Anger

Anybody can be angry…

Aristotle wisely wrote that “Anyone can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way - that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy.” So the next time you get angry, remember to be angry:

- with the right person

- to the right degree

- at the right time

- for the right purpose

- and in the right way

That certainly is a tall order! I admit that I had some serious anger issues years ago. I recall one of my sessions and expressing to a counselor that this person or that person made me mad. Whether it was someone or something these things were responsible for my anger.

I’ll never forget his response, “Dan, those people and those things do not make you mad.” I really did not know this person and wondered how they knew so much about me so I asked, “what is it that makes me mad?” The answer that followed was not expected. “Dan, you make yourself mad” – and that really made me mad!

It took some time before I was able to recognize and accept that I did have choices as to what I thought, felt, said and how I acted. These are all basic responsibilities that we all need to own. These choices are freeing and powerful in the way that we commune and communicate in a imperfect and sometimes crazy world.

How do you experience Anger?

Suppression

Most people wouldn’t have a clue that you’re angry. Your outward appearance is calm and you appear relaxed. You hold back saying and doing anything or say everything is fine, “no big deal”, but inside you’re upset and at times outraged. You might feel resentful and bitter towards others and can feel moody and experience physical symptoms, stomach aches, headaches, sleeplessness, etc. You may have learned along the way that it wasn’t appropriate to share your feelings or fear the consequences if you do “speak up”.

Explosive/Reactive

You may be a dead give-away when angry. Your words, tone, voice inflection, facial expression and behaviors express your anger. You may have a strong sense of justice that you need to be heard and will defend yourself sometimes in a “fight for your life” kind of experience. If someone is ignoring or attacking you (or if you sense that they are) then turning up the heat may get their attention.

Passive Aggression

If you are the sort of person that refuses to be reactionary, and explosive, then you may choose a passive approach. Your anger is under control in a covert way. Sarcasm or stonewalling may replace yelling, dirty looks, destructive behavior etc. You may show up late or not attend to something in relationship in order to punish or get back at those you’re mad at. You may vent to others about concerns you have rather than openly discuss face to face with the individual that “made you mad”. This anger is more or less a premeditated careful sabotage in the relationship to show you that you’ve got the upper hand.

Assertiveness

The first three ways to express and experience anger are negative and hinder healthy communication. Assertiveness allows anger to be expressed in a way that is self-respectful and also respects the other in the exchange. You take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings when you say what and act in a way that is mature and respectful. Your words and tone, etc, will either convey constructive direction or destructive direction in the conversation. God said “be angry and sin not” and “speak the truth in love”. We are created in the image and likeness of God – remembering this can help convey your message with more compassion and consideration.

Let it go (Forgiveness)

If you are alive and breathing you will have had many offenses in your past. Forgiveness is about canceling a debt others simply can’t pay back. None of us is capable of rewinding our history and unsaying or undoing what has offended others. Sense this is impossible we are really canceling a debt others could never pay back – this happened first for us on the cross. If we don’t forgive, we re-traumatize ourselves by holding onto the offense. “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.” At one time we may have had a righteous anger, yet if we hold onto it, the anger spoils and bitterness and resentment remain. Forgiveness doesn’t mean all is well with the relationship, we may not trust the offender if changes that created the need for forgiveness in the place have not occurred. This requires repentance (change/sorrow) that leads to reconciliation. These concepts require a little more fleshing-out and are beyond the scope of this topic.

What are you really feeling?

Anger for many is a secondary emotion. Many times hurt, fear, frustration, rejection, etc. are the true emotions felt, yet one of the three negative types of anger are expressed/experienced. During these episodes anger is more a guardian or protector of these more vulnerable emotions. You may have encountered in relationships a sense that you are expressing your true emotions (assertively) and are either ignored or attacked. If this happens on more than an occasion you may “get angry” at the person and let them know – by way of the three negative types. This reactionary experience is ineffective and will never result in healthy resolution and growth in communication. God didn’t say “don’t be angry”. He did say “be angry and sin not” and “don’t let the sun go down on your anger”. Also, “speak the truth in love”.

Sometimes we have past experiences where conflict or confrontation has been ugly. It may cause you to avoid or dread conflict in the future. These new ways of communicating anger can be learned and old ways discarded. At times deeper burdens from the past can still get triggered in the present confrontation and make the interaction all the more difficult. With these situations it is best to work with a counselor to root through the past so that any hurt, offense, or disappointment can be put to rest. At times we may also have distortions in our perceptions of people, places and things. In other words, our defining, representing and interpreting of such is not true. Again, while speaking the truth in love, we also need to know the truth as the truth will set us free.

So, if you can stand back and identify more vulnerable emotions if sensing anger, learn new assertive ways to communicate those emotions a new peace and understanding can grow out of confrontation and conflict. An understanding of others may come as we determine what might be at the root of their anger, i.e., sadness, fear, rejection, worry, etc. When we take responsibility for managing our emotions we can experience an inner peace that is not dependent on circumstances, or situations that are outside of our control. “Be at peace with others as far as it is possible”.

Some of the material in this article was adapted from: The Anger Workbook: A 13-Step Interactive Plan to Help You... (Minirth-Meier Clinic Series) By Les Carter and Dr. Frank Minirth